Access to Yourself Comes First

Episode 2 of the Exposure and Access podcast. Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3jPdkyxmHnMBTe0GzlPiOf

After the first episode, I went back and read my first journal. The plaid one, from 1986.

And I was surprised. I was more aware than I thought. I just didn't have the language for it yet.

The young man on those pages was noticing things. He could tell when something felt off. He could feel when he was out of place. He just couldn't name it.

What struck me most was simpler. He had enough awareness to pick up a pen and write his thoughts on paper. That alone was the start of self-discovery. I knew I wasn't complete. I didn't have it all figured out. But I was brave enough to look at myself anyway.

That's what self-reflection takes. Not perfection. Courage.

Why awareness is the hardest stage to see

Awareness is the first stage of the Exposure and Access Model, and the hardest one to see in yourself. The reason is simple: you're looking with the same eyes that formed the habit.

The things that shape us most are the things we've lived with the longest. They don't feel like patterns. They feel like who we are.

For years, I carried resentment toward what I felt was unfair treatment and institutional bias. I didn't see how much it was shaping me. People could sense it in the room without me saying a word. It felt normal. It felt like the truth, not a pattern.

That's what makes awareness hard. You can't see the water you're swimming in.

Sometimes others can see the promise of your true self before you're ready to accept it.

Access to yourself comes first

Before you can gain access to any room out there, you need access to the room in here.

You don't get there by thinking harder. You get there by slowing down. Most of us fill every moment: the phone, the TV, the radio in the car, the next task. When every moment is full, there's no room left for your own voice.

Awareness needs a little stillness to show up.

A simple practice: three questions

Once a day, take ten minutes. Get a notebook. Any notebook. It doesn't need a plaid cover. Write down your answers to three questions:

1. What did I intentionally expose myself to today?
2. What did that exposure give me access to, and is it in alignment with who I am?
3. What do I need to access internally to grow my awareness?

No rules about spelling or length. Nobody is grading it. Do it for a week, then read it back. You'll start to see patterns: what you keep choosing, what's lifting you up, and what's pulling you away from who you are.

Those patterns are your awareness, showing up on paper.

Give yourself grace

When you start paying attention, you may not like everything you see. That's normal. Awareness isn't judgment. It's just seeing clearly.

I've been journaling for more than forty years, and it's taken me years to address some areas of my life. I'm still learning. Awareness isn't something you master once. It's something you keep practicing.

Seeing a pattern is not failing. Seeing it is the first step to moving.

This week, sit with one question: when did you last hear your own voice clearly?

← Back to the Blog